Ahh, you will love our versailles suite, monsieur ambassadeur.
It'll make you feel as though you are in France.
Yes, but outside the window,
it's still America.
Ok.
Hello.
Hot babe at 12 o'clock.
I'd say more like 11:30, 11:25, 11--
this is why you'll end up living alone with a cat.
Hey, beautiful.
I don't always smell like this.
Unless you like it.
Je ne comprend pas.
Je suis desolais.
What a beautiful name.
Desolais.
Mm...
That means "sorry."
Her name is jolie.
And like the dessert cart,
she's off limits.
Well, that's one girl you're not gonna get.
And I'm not gonna eat this French pastry either.
Mmm, mmm, good.
[Giggles]
Look!
She's smiling at me!
Because you have whipped cream all over your face.
Mmm, mmm, 'barrassing.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Ooh. Looks like miss London has been shopping again.
What'd she buy?
Everything but the building.
Aah!
Give that back!
You can't have this purse!
It doesn't match your outfit!
No one insults a woman
while Esteban julio Ricardo Montoya--
ok, we don't have time for your whole name!
Aah! Ok.
Ohh! Ooh!
[Gasps]
Oh, no, you di'int.
[High-pitched] Waa-aah!
Ooh!
Oof!
Hands behind your back, dirtbag.
Nice work.
We could use you on the force.
Thanks! But I don't wear polyester.
Wow. You could've gotten really hurt.
Lucky this little girl was here to save you.
I--I think you did good, Esteban.
Mom, where's the conditioner?
Next to the shampoo.
Where's the shampoo?
Next to the soap.
Where's the soap?
This is all new to you, isn't it?
Pretty much.
There's a fresh supply under the sink.
Thanks. I'm taking a bath.
I met this French girl, and I think I might
stand a chance with her if I cleaned up.
Sorry. My ears went into shock
after "I'm taking a bath."
So, a French girl, huh?
Yeah. From France.
Honey, what's the matter?
Zack gets all the girls.
So you like this French girl, too.
Le duh!
Why don't you give it a shot?
You're every bit as handsome as Zack.
No, I'm not.
Hello. You're twins.
I couldn't tell you apart for the first year.
Except for you.
I always knew which one was you.
Nice try.
Oh, honey, have some confidence.
This girl might pick you.
Do you really think so?
Le duh!
You're sweet and smart.
And you make a mean pot roast.
That's true. Zack doesn't even know the difference
between boiled and braised.
What a boob.
Don't count yourself out before you even try.
But Zack already has dibs.
Ok, look, you can't dib a human being.
Especially a woman, who is your equal in every way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And...
All's fair in love and war.
Except no hitting.
They call that war?
Hey, Cody.
Hey, sis.
Hey, you don't mind me borrowing
your blue silk shirt, do you?
Didn't think so.
Uh, wait.
It's in the coat closet.
So how are you gonna talk to jolie?
Easy. I'm gonna get somebody to translate.
That's a great idea.
Mind if I borrow it? Didn't think so.
[Pounding on door] Hey, open up!
What are you doing?!
All's fair in love and war.
What the heck's that supposed to mean?!
Hey! Hey! Everybody!
[Panting, laughing] I heard--
where--
ohh! Everybody!
[Panting]
I heard a rumor that Esteban
got beat up by a girl!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
It was the--hey! Esteban.
Hi.
[Grunts] I did not get beat up by a girl.
I got beat up by a man.
Who got beat up by a girl.
Esteban, you don't have to make up excuses.
Not everyone can be a kung fu champion.
Right, London?
Oh, that's right.
It takes strength, coordination,
and mental toughocity.
I have all those things.
You lost to a purse.
[Deep voice] A big scary purse!
That guy got in a lucky shot.
I didn't get a chance to show my moves.
You don't have to prove you have any moves.
I have moves!
Here, try to flip me.
No. You're not supposed to use martial arts
unless someone attacks you.
No, really, it's ok. You can--
whoa--hey--aii! Aah!
Uhh!
This time you really did get beat up by a girl.
Ha ha ha ha.
[Deep voice] A big scary girl!
Excuse me?
A big scary pretty girl!
[Ding]
[Ding ding ding ding ding]
I heard you the first 28 dings.
I want to ask jolie out.
Can you translate for me?
I'd rather lick the inside of a city bus.
Point taken. But fyi, Zack likes jolie, too,
and he'll be down any minute.
Oh, no.
You're trouble, but he's...
[Shudders] Eew!
So who's it gonna be,
me or the evil twin?
Apres vous.
Ok...
So is it me or the evil twin?
That means "after you."
After I what?
Ow! Ok, just go, go, go!
[Speaking French]
Jolie, Cody. Cody, jolie.
There. Let's go.
Enchante.
Uh, she's not interested.
Very funny. Ask her to go dancing tomorrow night.
Oh, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
I feel so used.
[Speaking French]
Oui. Oui?
No need to translate that.
Maybe I'm not so bad with the ladies.
I guess I do have a few smooth moves.
Whoaa!
[Crash]
Ta-daa!
There you are!
Leave my girl alone!
Moseby, tell her Cody still has guard rails on his bed.
Sorry, I'm working for your brother.
Fine. I don't need a translator.
You...
Me...
Dinner...
Dancing...
She wants me.
Yes. Arrested.
Papa. Cody...
[Speaking French]
A date?
They will need a chaperon.
I agree completely.
Say what?! Good. So you'll do it.
Say yes, or we're checking out.
Say, 6:00 tomorrow night?
It's a date!
Au revoir, Cody.
See you...
Uh, yesterday.
Yesterday.
She means tomorrow.
Isn't that just the cutest thing?
Well, how do I look?
And be brutal.
Like a backstabbing, French-girl-stealing jerk
in a goofy sweater vest.
You really think it looks goofy?
Don't listen to him, Cody.
You look adorable.
Zack, enough frosting. Have a carrot.
[Doorbell rings]
Ohh! Your date is here.
That must be her.
Consider your job before you respond!
You look lovely, Mr. moseby.
Mm.
I brought flowers.
For me?
You shouldn't have.
No, they're for jolie.
Somebody has to show some class on this date.
Go, go, get, get, get.
Wait!
Photo op.
Smile.
Don't they make a cute couple?
Moseby: I heard that!
It's so unfair.
If Cody hadn't locked me in the closet,
I'd be going out with moseby.
Honey, all's fair in love and ear.
It was you!
You told him that!
This is all your fault!
I was just trying to build his confidence.
I've spent years trying to destroy it.
Can we please get on the same page here?
Zack, your brother could really use this boost.
Why are you always falling for Cody's sweet and sensitive act?
It's not an act. That's how he is.
But he locked me in the closet.
He's vicious, I tell you, vicious!
Are we talking about the same kid
who cries when I vacuum up the dust bunnies?
Oh, he's good.
Honey, I can't talk now. I gotta go do my show.
Why don't you call a friend and do something?
That's a great idea.
Good for you.
Love you!
Love you, too.
Hey, Bob. You busy tonight?
Do you want to come to the club with me?
No, not as my date!
Ok, unlike you,
I'm gonna make Esteban feel better.
Esteban, I need a big strong man
to help me get this lid off.
Can you please help me?
Why don't you just ask miss London
to karate chop it off?
All I can do is fall in front of it.
Did it work?
No.
You know, I've never seen Esteban so depressed.
There's gotta be a way to rebuild his confidence.
Hey, London, I was just repainting the room and I--
whoa! Aah!
That's it!
We'll re-enact the purse-snatching.
Only this time, arwin will be the thief.
Yes, arwin?
Am I going to get hurt?
No. You'll be fighting Esteban.
Good.
Then I'll be safe.
[Music playing]
Well, there's nothing happening here.
Ha ha ha! Let's go somewhere else.
We...Uh, dance, yes?
Oui, oui.
Third door on the left.
You look fabulous.
Uh...Pardon?
I need you to translate.
Say, "your eyes are beautiful."
What?
Tell her "your eyes are beautiful"!
What?!
Your eyes are beautiful!
Thank you.
I like your sweater.
[Speaking loudly] I'll take these bags
up to my suite, maddie.
You stay out there with all the other
expensive things I bought.
I hope a thief does not try to steal them.
Oh--hi.
If he does,
you can just kick his tuchus like last time.
Help! Robber! Help!
Help me, Esteban!
I will! I will find someone macho!
London!
No, you!
You can do it!
Ow! I can?
I must!
I'll call the police!
Gimme--
unh! Uhh!
[Grunting outside]
[Giggling]
Is that Esteban fighting with a purse-snatcher?
Uh-huh. Yup.
Then why are we standing here?
Because it's not a real purse-snatcher.
It's arwin.
Really?
It seems like arwin's fighting back awful hard.
Who am I fighting?
Esteban. And don't forget to run away.
All: Arwin!
Yes!
You were supposed to be the purse-snatcher out there!
Was that tonight? Both: Yes!
Oh! This is terrible!
What a tragic mistake!
Are you gonna want your money back?
Ohh!
Let go, Esteban!
All: Let go!
Agghhh!
Aha! That will teach you
to toy with Esteban julio Ricardo Montoya de rosa Ramirez.
Or, as I will now be known,
el diablo.
[Flamenco guitar plays]
♪ Get up ♪
♪ feel the beat ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ yeah ♪
This dancing looks dangerous.
Perhaps we should move to a safer location.
Like the tipton!
You know, I still can't believe
Cody locked you in the closet.
With a bag of snakes.
You know, that just doesn't sound like him.
It's all an act!
He's vicious, I tell you, vicious!
Now, are you with me?
Ok, but next time you're taking me to a movie.
It's not a date!
Now, go distract Cody while I get rid of moseby.
♪ Feel the beat ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
Bob?
What are you doing here?
I have to ask you a chemistry question.
Now?
On Saturday night?
While I'm with a French girl?
Well, forgive me for wanting a better future.
Fine. Excusez-moi.
Oh. Ooh!
Uh--eh-eh-ehhh...
Bbbblll...
Bbbbbll! Bbbblll!
[Cheering]
Bonsoir, ma belle mademoiselle.
Tu parlez francais?
Bonsoir, ma belle mademoiselle.
Voulez-vous danser?
[Cheering]
Ah! Ooh!
[Cheering]
If you--
if you'll excuse me,
I need to call my chiropractor!
For the last time,
that's the difference between boron and freon.
Now I'd like to be free from you, boron.
Wow! You're as vicious as Zack said.
Hey, speaking of which,
isn't that him dancing with your girlfriend?
Excusez-moi, again.
I know what you're up to.
Don't think for one second I don't know what you're up to.
I know exactly what you're up to.
What are you up to?
I'm here to get my shot with jolie,
the shot that you stole from me.
While I'm on my date with her?
Hey, all's fair in love and war, dude.
Give me those!
No.
I said give me those.
Ok, here.
Oh.
But I wouldn't use those.
Why not?
Those are insults.
How stupid do you think I am?
Look at card 3.
Not right now.
I'm gonna be talking the language of love with my girlfriend,
thanks to you.
Darn you.
Darn you to heck!
Sorry about that. Say, did I ever tell you...
Well, how's everything going?
Je suis oww!
Jolie...
You!
Boys. Boys. Boys!
Oh--don't touch me, don't touch me,
don't touch me.
Does this mean our date's over?
How could you do this?
I told him they were insults.
But you knew he would use them thinking they were compliments
because you told him they were insults.
Pretty good, eh?
But I told the truth.
So I am legally in the clear.
That's something a master criminal would do.
Don't you see? He needs prison.
Zach, just this once, couldn't you have
let your brother win the girl?
And when I say win, I do not mean to suggest
that girls are a prize to be possessed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what's worse,
in sabotaging your brother,
you also hurt that poor little girl.
I'm going to go back to my show,
but you are going to go apologize to her.
You couldn't let me have this one girl?
She's French!
It was the first time I ever really felt...
Confident.
Oh, don't cry.
You're not going to cry, are you?
[Crying] No.
Oh, man. Here comes the waterworks.
All right, all right, I'll get her back for you.
It works every time.
I am tres, tres, tres...
Tres...Desolais.
Moseby. Tell her it's my fault and not Cody's.
[Speaking French]
I couldn't help myself.
You're just so beautiful.
[Speaking French]
Oh...
Zat is so...
Spicy.
She means sweet.
No. Spicy.
Yeah! Ha ha!
This is how you get a girl back for me?
It's not what it looks like.
Well, I'm gonna kick your--
derriere.
That, too.
Get back, you girl-stealing...
Don't--boys--don't-- it's a new--
don't run in the lobby!
[Cody and Zack shouting]
Where are they going?
With any luck, the Bermuda triangle.
So this means jolie's unattached?
Ask her yourself.
I am through translating!
Ok.
[Speaking perfect French]
Oui.
[Clapping and cheering]
♪ Feel the beat ♪
♪ uh-huh, yeah ♪
[Cheering]